Two Starcrossed Lovers
by Summer Walters
Summary: Severus asks Lily out, but James is still in love with her...
1. Reverie

"Lily," he said and grabbed my arm. I stopped walking and looked at him.  
  
"Yes, Severus?" I asked, quite surprised to hear his voice. He rarely spoke.  
  
"Will you go out with me?" he asked, staring right into my eyes. He tried to look as calm about it as he could but I could see the nervousness and embarrassment hiding in his eyes. I wasn't surprised by his question, but the fact he had asked it. The suddenness gave me a little shock. Lily, I told myself. You've been expecting this. You know he likes you. From his eyes, he was obviously cringing with every second that went by, wishing himself far away.  
  
To calm him, I smiled gently. "Certainly," I said, surprising even myself with the evenness of my voice.  
  
He tried to hold back his beam but couldn't. His hooked nose and oily hair aren't that obvious when he smiles, I thought.  
  
"Thank you," he whispered. "Do you know how happy you've made me?"  
  
I laughed warmly. "So where are we going and when?" I asked.  
  
"Uh..." he paused.  
  
"You know," I interrupted, "it doesn't really matter for me. Anywhere would be fine, just as long as we can carry on an intelligent conversation. Not like going to a movie or something."  
  
"A movie?"  
  
"Oh.... It's a Muggle thing."  
  
He nodded as though he knew what I was talking about, though I knew he had no clue. "So any place is okay with you?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"All right. I apologize for not being prepared. I was afraid that -"  
  
Afraid I'd say no, I thought.  
  
He stopped and cleared his thought. "Ah, well - I wasn't prepared to give a time and place. May I get back to you on this?"  
  
I laughed again.  
  
He stared. "What is it?"  
  
"You sound so business-like. 'May I get back to you?' Are you arranging a date or a business meeting?" I patted his shoulder to show him I was joking.  
  
He smiled. "Sorry about that. I'm not exactly an expert on these things, you know..."  
  
"It's fine. Just find me once you have it all planned so you can tell me."  
  
I gave him a smile and turned away. I dashed up to my dormitory and collapsed on my bed. You are going to go out with Severus Snape, I said to myself. Have you no self-respect?  
  
Shut up, the other voice in my head replied. He's more intelligent than half the idiots in this school. Does it matter if they tease him so? Are you a decent human or not?  
  
I sighed into my pillow. Personally, I wouldn't mind going out with him. It was so nice to see how happy he became. And he was the first guy I'd met with any sense in his head.  
  
That was not the problem. The problem was the rest of the school. What would they think? And my friends?  
  
It doesn't matter, I told myself. It doesn't matter at all.  
  
I tried not to remember the times my friends and I had gossiped and laughed at him.  
  
I wondered how long he had been keeping his feelings for me inside. Ever since last year, I'd suspected he liked me. It had happened in the common room. I was sitting in the sofa, reading. Lucius Malfoy swaggered up, flanked by his two bodyguards Crabbe and Goyle. All a bunch of idiots, they were. I kept my eyes on my book.  
  
"Get out of that chair, Mudblood," Malfoy spat at me.  
  
I looked up. "I'm sorry, I got here first. Get your own chair." I glared. I was about to say more, but then Severus appeared - out of nowhere it seemed. Both Malfoy and I looked at him, surprised.  
  
He turned to Malfoy, his voice shaking with anger. "Don't you ever call her that again." His eyes blazed, burning into Malfoy like hot coals. I was taken aback. Evidently, so was Malfoy. For a second he didn't speak. At that point I realized the entire common room was silent. Everyone was staring. Then Malfoy said in a simpering voice,  
  
"Oh, so you're defending your girlfriend, are you?" He and all his friends cackled like hyenas. The red patches of anger on Severus's face dissolved into pink as his entire face heated up with embarrassment.  
  
I stood up and slammed my book shut with a bang. The laughter stopped. "Malfoy," I said, spitting out the name.  
  
He stared at me with cold, hard eyes. "What is it, Mudblood?"  
  
"You and I obviously have different ways of defining what makes blood muddy. You may think it is Muggle heritage, but I say it's the utter rudeness and stupidity you display." I struggled to keep my voice calm. With a click, I turned on my heel and left. With careful, soft footsteps I walked up the stairs to the dormitory though there was nothing I wanted more than to run back down and slap that stupid git hard across the face. Oh, how relieving it would be to hear the hard slap and see his expression. But no, I can't. I clenched my fists and forced myself to walk on.  
  
It was surprising that Severus had spoken up for me. I pondered over it for days. In class, he rarely raised his hand. But when he did, the teachers always called on him. What he had to say was always well thought-out. He would say it at the right moment, when the class already had their opinions in a discussion set and thought they'd figured everything out. Then he'd raise his hand, and a good point that "we'd never thought of that." Even the people who had perfectly confident and certain they were right now reconsider their position. If only Hogwarts had a Debate Club, I thought, Severus could be the president.  
  
I had always respected him for this. I cringed at all the times I'd raise my hand to say something and then get muddled in explaining what I was saying, once called on. Or the times I knew exactly what I wanted to say but no one understood me. Severus always spoke clearly and precisely, every word planned out. His voice was always steady. He would make his point, then fold his arms across his desk composedly and listen to how the discussion went.  
  
I knew it wasn't shyness that held him back from talking more. So what was it?  
  
People had always disliked him. Perhaps it was his composed and unruffled nature. He always knew when he was right and didn't debate it. Everyone hated this, especially since he was right so often.  
  
After the incident with Malfoy, I saw Severus in a different light. I think knowing that he liked me made me like him more. And I had always respected his cool-headed intelligence. In fact, I was quite disgusted with the rest of the male population at Hogwarts for their idiocy. I thought they would outgrow it by seventeen, but apparently not. Crude humor and cruel jokes still made them laugh as hard as it had when they were eleven. I only hoped they would grow up before they reached thirty.  
  
* * *  
  
Whenever I passed Severus in the hall or our eyes met in class, he gave me a little smile. Like we had a secret.  
  
After the incident in my sixth year with Malfoy bullying me out my armchair, I'd lost any desire to read or study in the common room. Now I usually went up to my dormitory to lie on my bed to read and study. Perhaps lying on my stomach was a strange way to write an essay, but it was relaxing and, best of all, quiet. I could actually think. Now, given the choice - Malfoy had graduated last year - I still chose my bed as the bed place to study.  
  
No one else ever came up until about ten o'clock so it was all mine - peaceful and quiet. Certainly I felt a little lonely at times. My friends and I began drifting apart in our fifth year, more than ever this year. I sighed. We still went to Hogsmeade together on weekends and talked, but it was different. But I knew that even though we weren't as close as we had been, they would still find out about Severus. I groaned, imagining the things they would say, how they would tease. I wondered again why I had said yes so easily.  
  
I was on my way to the dormitory when he stopped me. He pulled me into a corner of the room, where no one was looking. "I have the details," he said.  
  
"Oh, good," I replied. Lost in my thoughts, it took me a second to realize why he was talking to me and what it was about.  
  
"Would you meet me here in the common room at 7:30 Saturday evening?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"I'm taking you to a restaurant in Hogsmeade. Is this all right?"  
  
"It sounds wonderful," I said. "But... isn't it a bit late?"  
  
I had never seen such an expression on Severus's face. He smiled wickedly and his eyes twinkled. He winked.  
  
"Doesn't everyone have to come back by then?"  
  
"Oh, I know how to get there - another way."  
  
I must have looked apprehensive because he patted my shoulder gently and said, "Oh don't worry. It'll be fine. Just meet me at 7:30, all right?" With that, he disappeared into the crowd of Slytherins.  
  
Very odd, I thought. That was definitely out-of-character for him. I guess I have yet to meet the real Severus. Right then I just realized how little I knew about him. The only things I knew were he was quiet, intelligent, a genius at Potions and Defense against the Dark Arts, and a pureblood. After seven years of being in his house and year, I know almost nothing of his true personality, I thought to myself in surprise. 


	2. The Perfect Date

On Saturday, I collected my clothes and a towel and left for the prefect bathroom.  
  
"Nemo malus felix," I said and stepped into the bathroom.  
  
After a warm bath, I slipped on my green robes. They were just ordinary robes, but I'd never worn them before. I'd never found occasion to. At Hogwarts, I always wore black robes and at home I wore Muggle clothes. I'd never thought of changing after classes and on the weekends I just threw on the black robes like I did every day. I did have some dress robes, but that was different.  
  
But this was a date. I wanted to look special. Even if I didn't feel any want to impress Severus, at least I could wear something different to make it more special for him.  
  
To tell the truth, Mum had picked out these robes for me when we had gone shopping in Diagon Alley last summer. "Look at this color, Lily," she said. "It goes so well with your eyes."  
  
I squinted into the mirror. I supposed it was true. The robes really did bring out my eyes.  
  
I pulled out a hairbrush and yanked it through my hair. I had washed it but not conditioned, so now I had to struggle to untangle it. Finally, it was brushed. I squeezed the water out with my towel, appreciating that, because it was magic, it dried my hair immediately. Though I usually kept my hair in a long braid that hung down my back, I decided to keep it loose for today, letting auburn curls spill onto my shoulders and down my back.  
  
I let the water in the tub drain and gathered up my old clothes, stuffing them into a bag. When I entered the common room, I was met by Severus. He looked at me and whispered, "Lily, you look beautiful."  
  
"Thanks," I said hurriedly, "but I just came back from a bath. I have to put my things away." I pulled my hand out of his grasp and slipped up the stairs. In the dormitory, I stole a glance in the mirror. He was right. I should wear green more often, I thought. Mum is right. It does suit me well.  
  
After tossing my bag of clothes down, I stepped quickly down the stairs, hand on the banister. Severus was waiting for me.  
  
"Let's go," he said as soon as I reached the bottom. His hand slipped into mine and he led me out of the common room.  
  
When he was sure no one was in sight, he pulled a shimmering cloth out of his robes. "This," he whispered proudly, "is an Invisibility Cloak." He stepped close me and threw it over our heads. I looked at my feet. They were gone. I let out a breath of wonder.  
  
"Come," he said. He gripped my hand tightly and pulled me forward. We took small steps. Luckily it seemed most people were in their common rooms. We heard a few voices and footsteps drifting down the halls, but no one crossed our path.  
  
Once Hogwarts was small in the distance, Severus pulled the cloak off. "Do you know how to Apparate?"  
  
"Yes, of course," I replied. "I passed my test over the summer."  
  
"Good. It takes to long to walk, so let's both Apparate to in front of Honeydukes, all right?"  
  
"Yes," I replied. Certainly I had never before been on a date so exciting. Those dates had all ended early by my choice - I had been so bored. From that I had learned that a handsome face does not equal interesting personality.  
  
"Get ready, set, go!"  
  
Crack. Honeydukes lay on my right. I spun around. Where was Severus?  
  
I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Oh, there you are!" I smiled. "Now where are we going? Or is it top-secret?" I grinned at him.  
  
He sighed. "I'm afraid this date won't get any more exciting. We're just going to an ordinary restaurant, going to eat an ordinary meal, and then go home."  
  
"Okay," I said and put my hand in his. I swung our hands back and forth. "Lead me to the restaurant."  
  
* * *  
  
After dessert, I sighed and laid my head on Severus's shoulder. "The food was delicious. Thank you."  
  
He wrapped his arm around me. "Oh, Lily - I can't tell you how much I enjoyed being with you."  
  
"It was wonderful to talk to you, too. There's so much I never knew about you."  
  
The waiter came to pick up the dishes and Severus said, "I'll pay."  
  
"But Severus, I have money--" I began.  
  
"Lily," he said firmly, "It is my duty to pay."  
  
I could not argue with him when he adopted that tone. "All right," I sighed. "Thank you."  
  
We stepped out of the restaurant into the cool, dark night.  
  
"Let's take a little walk around for a bit," I suggested.  
  
As we walked, the cool wind blew gently on our faces. I shivered slightly.  
  
Severus stopped. He pulled off his cloak and wrapped it around my shoulders.  
  
"Oh, Severus - You don't have to ... but thank you."  
  
"It's so hard to get used to the idea that next year we won't be at Hogwarts," I sighed. "It will all be over then. We'll be adults."  
  
"I know, it's unbelievable isn't it?"  
  
"I can remember when I got my letter. It was the most exciting thing in my life. I learned of a completely new world - to which I belonged."  
  
"What was your life before that? As a Muggle?"  
  
Eventually the lights in the shops dimmed as people blew out the candles. The lanterns in the streets went out and I said, "I suppose it's time to be getting back." I glanced at my watch. Ten thirty already?  
  
"Apparition time," Severus said. "How practical it would be if we could Apparate right to the common room."  
  
"Yes," I sighed. "Back to from where we left?"  
  
Nod.  
  
Crack.  
  
"It's too dark to need the cloak, but I'll keep it out in case we meet someone anyway."  
  
I agreed.  
  
I decided that I much preferred walking in the open air to small steps under an Invisibility Cloak.  
  
When we reached the castle's great doors, I asked, "How are we going to get in?"  
  
Severus smiled. "Accio broom," he whispered aloud. A few minutes later, a broom shot into his hand. "Sit behind me," he instructed. I did, hanging on tightly. It was a strange feeling to not be gripping the wood of the broom itself.  
  
We soared into the air, heading for the Astrology tower. Severus landed the broom smoothly. "I'll leave it here," he said once we had both gotten off.  
  
"Won't anyone find it?"  
  
"Whoever finds it won't be able to tell that we used it. As for the broom itself, it's just an old one I borrowed from Madam Hooch."  
  
"Borrowed...?"  
  
He held a finger to his lips. "Shh," he said. "She'll get it back eventually."  
  
When we reached the common room, I was surprised to find it empty. Then I realized it was almost midnight.  
  
"I'm sorry for keeping you out so late," Severus said.  
  
"It's all right. I had a wonderful time."  
  
He smiled. "So did I," he said and leaned forward. Oh no, I thought. He's going to kiss me.  
  
I took a nervous breath and closed my eyes. I felt his warm lips on mine. Then it was over.  
  
"Good night, Lily," he said softly.  
  
"Good night," I replied.  
  
As I made my way up the stairs, the realization hit me. I was falling in love with Severus Snape. 


	3. Chemistry

I woke up late Sunday morning. My friend Dahlia shook me awake. "Lily, get up!" she exclaimed.  
  
I groaned and pulled the blankets over my head. "Let me sleep," I moaned.  
  
"Lily, it's ten minutes to noon. You have to get up. You've been asleep all morning."  
  
I opened my eyes. I stared. "Are you serious?" I cried. Looking at my watch, I saw she was right. I forced myself to sit up.  
  
Dahlia sat on my bed, grinning at me. "So, tell me, Lily... what's the reason?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
She sighed impatiently. "You know what I mean. Why were you out so late? I stayed up till eleven waiting for you."  
  
"You did?" That was strange. "Why?"  
  
"Because I - No, you're avoiding the question. Tell me, Lily. What were you doing out so late? You weren't in the common room."  
  
Oh great. She had me cornered. How could I answer?  
  
"I don't know what you mean," I replied stiffly.  
  
She poked me. "Lily! Oh do tell me!"  
  
"There's nothing to tell and if there was, I wouldn't tell it to someone who pokes me." I poked her back.  
  
"Ow - -hey, Lily! Why won't you tell me?"  
  
I ignored her and stepped out of bed. I walked over to my wardrobe and began pulling out clothes to wear that day. After laying them on my bed, I gave Dahlia a gentle push. "Please get off, Lia, I'd like to get dressed." I pulled the curtains around my bed shut. Oh how I loved four-poster beds.  
  
I was almost done getting dressed when Dahlia drew the curtains and plopped down on the bed beside me.  
  
"Have you no decency to ask first?" I exclaimed.  
  
"You're just putting on your socks," she pointed out.  
  
"Yes, but--"  
  
"Aw, Lily, why won't you tell?"  
  
I remained silent.  
  
"At least tell me who the guy was."  
  
I froze.  
  
"What do you mean - who was the guy?"  
  
She tsked, annoyed. "If you were out past eleven at night, you were obviously with a guy, right? It's not like you're going to wander the hallways for fun. And don't you dare say you were studying, Lily - I know for a fact the library's closed at that hour."  
  
I stood up and walked to the mirror. I began brushing my hair.  
  
Dahlia went on, "So who was the guy? You have to tell. Oh, I know - was it James Potter? He's--"  
  
"No!" I interrupted loudly. "What a jerk!"  
  
"You may be right that he isn't the sweetest guy in the world, but he sure likes you. And he has that totally handsome friend - Sirius Bl--"  
  
"Trust me, Dahlia, don't go for looks."  
  
"Why not? I could stare into that handsome face for hours."  
  
"And you won't get tired of staring at it after a while? When you realize he can't make intelligent conversation?"  
  
"Oh sure he can make intelligent conversation. He and James are two of the smartest in our year."  
  
I opened my mouth to argue. No, some people were smarter - but then I closed it again.  
  
"So anyway, I think you should give James Potter a try. He could be nice underneath all that conceitedness. He just needs the right girl and I'm sure you're--"  
  
I whirled around to face her. "Oh, shut up, Dahlia," I snapped. "You just want a date with Sirius."  
  
I threw my hairbrush to the floor and flew down the stairs.  
  
* * *  
  
It was one in the morning and I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for an hour, and then got up. I might as well clean up this place, I thought to myself and began picking up clothes on the floor and folding them. But the floorboards creaked loudly and I was afraid to wake up the other girls in the room. So I pulled on a bathrobe, picked up my book and went down the stairs, planning to read in the common room.  
  
As I stepped down the stairs, I realized the common room was not empty as I had expected.  
  
"What on earth are you doing?" I exclaimed. Severus stood by a table, apparently making a potion.  
  
He looked up at me.  
  
"Lily?" he asked, surprised.  
  
"I couldn't sleep so I decided to come here to read. What are you doing?"  
  
He grinned sheepishly. "Experimenting with potions," he said.  
  
"Haven't you already got a good enough grade in that class than to need extra credit?"  
  
"Extra credit? No, it's fun!"  
  
I stared blankly.  
  
"Oh, Lily, I'll show you! Here, look."  
  
I walked over to the table. "Okay, you know how dragon blood is so powerful?" he asked me.  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"I was just thinking - what would happen if you mixed it with Doxy wings?"  
  
"But we learned that in Potions last year. It would bubble, and then the dragon's blood would lose any power. You would even be able to drink it and not get hurt, but it would taste bad." I stared at him in surprise. "Don't you remember?"  
  
"Of course I do. We even got to try it ourselves. But the thing is everyone has been putting in the wings first. And if you do that, of course the potion would--"  
  
"But if you do it the other way," I protested, "then the blood would splash on you and it's very--"  
  
"That's what everyone's thought. So no one tried it. But what if you first grind the wings into a powder? It wouldn't splash or anything."  
  
"But how would a different order do anything different?"  
  
He sighed. "Lily, don't you remember the first potion we had to make in our second year?"  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"Unicorn hair with--"  
  
"Oh that. What about it?"  
  
"Remember we had that class with the Gryffindors. Peter Pettigrew did his wrong. He didn't put the unicorn hair in first. Remember what happened?"  
  
I laughed. "Yeah, I remember now. The potion exploded all over him and turned him blue."  
  
"But no one else's did that. Because he did it in the wrong order!"  
  
"Oh fine. You're right. But what's going to happen to this?"  
  
"I'm only guessing, but ever after we did that potion last year, I've been wondering why it happened the way it did. How could such powerful ingredients cancel each other like that? It's not like they are opposites..."  
  
"Well, anyway, what did you think would happen?"  
  
"I hope I'm right," he whispered. "Look."  
  
He lifted the bowl of powder and let it slowly fall into the bubbly red liquid. It began to bubble furiously and I knew I was right. It would be no different. But then -  
  
I gasped. "It turned white and shimmery!"  
  
He nodded. "In fact it looks like--"  
  
"Phoenix tears!" I exclaimed.  
  
"Yes. Look at this." He pulled a dagger out of his pocket and drove it into his arm.  
  
"Severus! Stop!" I screamed as blood spilled onto the table.  
  
"Oops, it's a bit too deep. But anyway--"  
  
He dipped a handkerchief into the pearly liquid and pressed the handkerchief to his arm. When he pulled it away, the wound was gone. I touched the skin, in wonder.  
  
"It's completely healed," I whispered.  
  
He nodded, grinning. "Isn't it great? It had to be like this. How could two substances, each with healing powers to its own animal not make a powerful healing potion?"  
  
"But surely someone's thought of that already. And we just haven't learned about it."  
  
"Actually, I did quite a bit of research in the library. Wizards for centuries have puzzled over the mystery, but no one figured it out." He grinned.  
  
"You mean - you discovered it?" I gasped.  
  
Severus shook his head bashfully. "It wasn't all me. I had to do research. Some of the things I'd thought of doing - like heating the wings over a fire would never have worked. I'm lucky I looked that out, because it you heat the wings up before mixing them with dragon blood, it makes an enormous explosion and fire."  
  
"Yes, but - you discovered it! Wow..."  
  
"Oh, Lily. It's not such a big thing."  
  
"Just something wizards have pondered over for centuries."  
  
He grinned. "Yeah, well...."  
  
I grabbed his hands and began dancing around the room. "That's amazing, Severus - only in your seventh year and already making new discoveries!"  
  
He laughed.  
  
"We can celebrate if you want to, but I have to clean up."  
  
It was two thirty in the morning, but I still didn't feel tired at all. I perched on the sofa, waiting.  
  
After packing everything into a neat little bag and wiping up the blood on the table, he sat next to me.  
  
I stretched out on the sofa and laid my head in his lap. He stroked my hair gently.  
  
"I always knew you were smart, but this is amazing."  
  
"Oh, Lily, you're making me embarrassed."  
  
I sat up and kissed his cheek gently. "Sorry."  
  
"It's ok."  
  
Before we knew it, we were kissing.  
  
But then Severus broke it off.  
  
"I'm sorry, Lily."  
  
I looked at him, confused. "What are you sorry for?"  
  
"I'm going too far. I shouldn't even have kissed you on the first date. A gentleman never gives a kiss on the first date."  
  
I laughed. "Do you really think I mind?"  
  
"But it wouldn't be proper--"  
  
I acted hurt. "Are you saying you can't even stand the idea of kissing me?" I crossed my arms and turned away. Of course I wasn't serious, but he didn't know that.  
  
"Lily," he begged. "Oh don't say that."  
  
He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. His lips pressed against mine.  
  
In the middle of the kiss, a creak on the stairs made me pull away. I looked up, horrified, at the landing.  
  
Dahlia stood there in her blue nightgown, a look of horror and shock on her face. A second later she was gone. 


	4. Desolation

My heart thudded. Oh no.  
  
"What is it?" Severus asked.  
  
I heard the door of our dormitory slam.  
  
"Oh, I thought I heard something," I replied.  
  
"What was it?"  
  
"Sorry, Severus, but I have to go." I untangled myself from his arms and got up.  
  
"Sorry for keeping you up late."  
  
"It's not your fault. It's mine. I interrupted your experiment."  
  
"It was a nice surprise for you to be there."  
  
This conversation was so awkward. "Bye," I called miserably and walked up the stairs.  
  
Up the stairs to doom.  
  
Oh no, what would Dahlia say? I cringed with every step.  
  
When I opened the door to the dormitory, I expected Dahlia to leap out and exclaim "Lily! It was Snape? What were you thinking?"  
  
However, I was met by silence.  
  
Her curtains were drawn shut. I sighed and climbed back in bed. This time I was able to fall asleep immediately.  
  
A few hours later I woke up suddenly. The sun hadn't come out yet, only a faint gray light shone into the room from the window.  
  
I got up.  
  
"Lily?"  
  
"You scared me!" I exclaimed. Dahlia sat on her bed. Her diary was in her hand and I guessed she had been doing her usual scribbling like mad, before I got up. She stood up and shoved the diary under her pillow.  
  
"Let's talk," she said and pulled me downstairs.  
  
We sat on the same sofa Severus and I had been sitting on a few hours ago.  
  
"Lily," Dahlia said and stared at me, "what on earth?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You were with Severus Snape? You were making out with Severus Snape!"  
  
I cringed. "So?" I asked.  
  
She glared. "That's disgusting, you know! He doesn't even wash his hair."  
  
"Yes he does," I shot back. "He's started washing it ever since our first date."  
  
"Date?" she asked. "So that's why you were out so late. That's disgusting. Why are you wasting your time on him? Lily -- of all the people - why, you could pick anyone and you chose him!"  
  
"For your information, he was the one who asked me out," I replied coldly.  
  
"Well, obviously," Dahlia sighed. "I know you have more sense than to have asked him out. But why'd you say yes?"  
  
"He's not that bad," I said softly. "He's so smart and he's nice too."  
  
She stared at me. I couldn't help it - I started crying.  
  
"Dahlia, why do you have to be so mean?" I sniffled, knowing I sounded like an eight-year-old.  
  
"Oh, don't cry!" She moved over and gave me a hug.  
  
I sniffled. "I'm sorry that you don't think he's good for me, but - oh, Dahlia - I think I'm falling in love with him." I started sobbing.  
  
"You think you are?" she asked.  
  
"No," I answered through tears. "I know I am. I can't help it; I've already fallen for him."  
  
"I don't mean to be mean, Lily - but I just don't get-how..."  
  
"I don't know. He's so sweet to me."  
  
Dahlia stood up. "Lily, I don't know what to say. The only advice I can give you is you'd better fall out of love with him - quickly."  
  
I buried my face in the sofa.  
  
"Lily, stop it."  
  
I looked up.  
  
"Stop crying like that."  
  
"You made me cry," I muttered defensively.  
  
"No," she replied clearly. "I did not. I just told you the truth about your beloved boyfriend."  
  
I stopped sniffling and glared at her.  
  
"Lily, I don't know what's happened to you lately."  
  
"Me? You're the one who's been going around insulting everyone in the school."  
  
"Insulting? Stating unpleasant truths is not insulting!" she shouted.  
  
I stood up on the sofa. "Dahlia, I don't care what you say. The only thing you've ever appreciated is looks."  
  
"I think you need to take a page from my book, then."  
  
"No, I don't. I think you need to stop acting so shallow!"  
  
"What did you call me?" Her voice trembled dangerously. She balled her hands into fists and glared at me.  
  
"You're such a hypocrite," I scorned. "You always criticize everyone else, but you don't even recognize your own faults!"  
  
"I can recognize one - I chose you as a friend!" She picked up a pillow that was resting on an armchair and threw it at me.  
  
I jumped out of the way and screamed at her retreating back, "I hope Sirius Black spits on you!"  
  
* * *  
  
As the Slytherins left for breakfast the next morning, I grabbed Severus's arm and pulled him aside. "I need to talk to you," I said.  
  
"Can't we talk at breakfast?" he asked.  
  
"No, I need to talk to you privately."  
  
Finally everyone left and we sat down. "What is it?" he asked, obviously irritated that he couldn't eat breakfast.  
  
"Breakfast can wait, can't it? Listen to me."  
  
"I am listening..."  
  
"Severus, there's something that's been weighing on my mind."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"It's a memory. I just recalled it in a dream. Remember when we were in our fifth year?"  
  
"Yes?" Was it just me or had his face suddenly gotten darker?  
  
"It was while we took our O.W.L.s."  
  
His face was definitely darker.  
  
"Lily, I don't want to talk about it--"  
  
"No, Severus, wait! I just want to know why you called me a 'filthy little Mudblood' after I saved you."  
  
"Lily," he said. His face contorted into a horrible expression. "I don't want to think about those times. Don't ever remind me of them again."  
  
I shivered. His tone of voice and expression ran chills down my spine.  
  
"All right," I said. "I won't. But I have to ask you one thing..."  
  
He glared at me, his eyes steely. "What?" he snapped.  
  
"Do... do you still ... think that?" I asked quietly.  
  
"Lily, don't be an idiot. Of course I don't hate Muggle-borns. Don't you remember the time last year with Lucius Malfoy? I stood up for you."  
  
"Yes, but how could you change so suddenly, in just a year, from calling me a Mudblood to defending me when someone else called me one?"  
  
"Lily, didn't we say we wouldn't bring this up?"  
  
"But--"  
  
"Let's just say I had a change of heart." He got up and made to leave the common room.  
  
I ran after him and grabbed his sleeve. "Do - do you still love me?" I asked nervously.  
  
He turned and looked me, his eyes cold and black. I felt like I was shriveling up. I lowered my gaze and stepped back. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't know you don't - you don't--"  
  
"Lily!" he exclaimed loudly. "If you mean I don't love you anymore, it's a lie! I love you as much as ever; just don't remind me of those terrible times."  
  
I gave him a faint smile, but I couldn't clear up his tormented expression. "I didn't mean to remind you of then," I said quietly. Then I touched his cheek. He turned to face me. "I just want to tell you," I began. My heart pounded. "I want to tell you--" Then it came out in a rush. "I love you too," I murmured and turned away, my cheeks hot.  
  
His hand gently glided my face back to look into his. His black eyes were now as soft as night. "Thank you, Lily," he whispered softly and he stepped out of the common room.  
  
* * *  
  
Dahlia avoided me all day. It was hard to do that, since she and I shared almost all of our classes. Whenever I glanced her way, she would look away. By then I had already forgotten our fight. Every time she did this a pang of hurt stabbed my heart. Eventually I just kept my eyes lowered, staring at my desk. Not only could I not see her, but no one else could see the pool of tears welling up in my eyes.  
  
She must have told the other Slytherin girls because they all walked past me like I wasn't there, their eyes skipping over me as if I didn't exist.  
  
I walked down the hall, feeling more alone and deserted than I ever had in my life, even more than when I first arrived at Hogwarts. Dahlia had immediately made friends with me then, even though I was Muggle-born and she was a pureblood. I stared at my feet as I walked, keeping my eyes to the ground because I knew that seeing another person step out of her way to avoid me would break the dam of tears.  
  
Wham. I had walked smack into someone. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" I cried and bent over to pick up all the papers and books that had flown out of my arms.  
  
"It's all right," the person said and knelt down to pick them up for me. He looked up. It was James Potter. Oh no, I thought. Don't you dare ask me out again! Instead, he handed me my books in a neat little stack, the papers piled up on top.  
  
"Oh," I exclaimed. "Thank you."  
  
He smiled at me and ruffled his hair with his hand. I closed my eyes to roll them without him seeing.  
  
"Need a hand?" he asked, standing up and sticking out his hand to pull me up.  
  
He doesn't think I can stand up alone, does he? I muttered in my mind. But I grabbed his hand anyway and he pulled me up.  
  
"Remember to watch where you're going," he told me. "Not everyone you bump into is as nice as me." He winked.  
  
I groaned and turned away. At least he didn't ask me out, I thought. I had thought too soon because over the crowd I heard him yell -  
  
"Hey, Evans! Go out with me?"  
  
I groaned again and quickened my pace in the opposite direction.  
  
* * *  
  
Severus found me before dinner. "I saved you a seat," he said.  
  
"Thanks," I said, relieved to finally see a friendly face that was not James Potter's conceited one.  
  
"How are you?" he asked as we walked into the Great Hall. "You look different today. I hope you're not tired from last night."  
  
I thought to myself how that would sound if an eavesdropper didn't know about the late night potion-making.  
  
"No, it's not that," I sighed and sat down where Severus had pulled out a chair for me. "It's just that my best friend now hates me and has convinced all the Slytherin girls in our year to hate me too."  
  
"Oh, Lily. That's terrible."  
  
I let out a shuddery breath. "I have no friends," I said and fought to swallow the lump that was swelling in my throat.  
  
"That's not true," Severus whispered softly. "I'm your friend. Being your boyfriend doesn't stop me from being your friend."  
  
It sounded cheesy and I wanted a best friend to whom I could spill all my worries and just cry, not a boyfriend who was most of the worries himself, but I still managed to smile.  
  
"Thanks," I said. It did help. The blanket of wretchedness and rejection still clung to me, but I no longer felt about to cry. 


	5. By the Lake

It was only the middle of October, but teachers were already giving as much homework as if it were near exam time. I had four tests the next week, two quizzes, and an essay due. The teachers obviously didn't care that my social life happened to be in shreds; they just increased the workload.  
  
It was Friday but knowing I had that much to do, I couldn't relax. After Transfiguration, our last class of the day, ended Severus caught up with me and asked, "Want to visit Hogsmeade together this weekend?"  
  
I sighed. "I have so much homework, I don't think I can."  
  
"I suppose you're right. I should work on my homework, too."  
  
He paused for a minute and then began digging in his bag for something. "Here," he said finally, pulling out a folded piece of parchment. "It's for you."  
  
"Thanks. What is it?" I asked, beginning to unfold it.  
  
"Don't open it here. Don't you have a special place to open your love letters?"  
  
I grinned. "Thanks. Were you bored in Transfiguration class?"  
  
He laughed. "How did you know?"  
  
* * *  
  
Now I no longer felt comfortable staying in either the common room or the dormitory. I couldn't stand all the glares my direction. So I decided to find somewhere new to study. There was always the library, but there was always the chance that my new enemies - how strange that sounded; no one had ever hated me before - might be there.  
  
I thought of an idea as I walked towards the Slytherin common room. I quickly ran ahead and upstairs to the dormitory. I gathered up all of my schoolbooks and supplies and threw them into my bag." I hurried back downstairs and out of the common room, glad I had avoided meeting anyone.  
  
I walked outside, the cool autumn breeze blowing on my face. After walking a bit, I found a spot on the grass to sit down. I laid my books around me and began studying. It was quite pleasant. I should this more often, I thought to myself. There were no distractions, no people - just me and my homework and the fresh air.  
  
After an hour, my mind started wandering. I remembered Severus's letter and pulled it out of my pocket. I unfolded the parchment and began reading.  
  
"My darling Lily,"  
  
Oh no! A gust of wind tore the paper from my grasp and sent it spiraling in the air. I jumped up and grabbed for it, but I lost my balance and fell. As I slipped down the slope, my right ankle hit a tree root and my leg collapsed under me. Crumpling into a twisted heap on the ground, I heard the bone give a sickening snap and several seconds later the stabs of agony shot through my leg.  
  
I couldn't even yell, the pain was too much. I tore at the grass with my fingers and gasped in pain. Automatically, I reached for my wand in the pocket of my robes, but my desperate fingers felt cloth, nothing more.  
  
The horrible truth washed over me. I had left my wand by my books. After finishing answering dull questions for History of Magic, I'd started practicing the spells we had just learned in Charms. When I thought of the letter, I had placed my wand next to me. On the ground.  
  
What would I do? I wailed. If only I had my wand! I could shoot sparks into the air, I could summon an owl to tell Madam Pomfrey to help me. Oh, there were so many things I could do! And I didn't have the wand!  
  
How long would I lie in a pitiful heap on the ground? How long could I survive the pain? Soon it would grow dark and I would still be here, on the cold earth. It was a Friday afternoon so no classes would walk this way tomorrow.  
  
"Help!" I screamed hysterically. "Someone help me!" I let out a long scream, shrieking at the top of my lungs.  
  
All I heard was the wind.  
  
As if taunting me, Severus's letter lay face-down ten feet away.  
  
I closed my eyes and tears trickled down my face. After a while, I opened my eyes and was shocked to see how dark it was. A new emotion flooded through me - pure fear. I did not want to spend all night lying on the ground, helpless and in pain. Though my hoarse throat burned, I screamed again. I screamed and screamed until my throat felt like it was on fire.  
  
At least now I have something else to think about besides the pain in my leg, I thought sarcastically. The pain in my throat.  
  
I tried dragging myself up the hill, but I could not move my leg. I tried again.  
  
Suddenly, I stopped. What was that noise? I thought. Could it possibly be -- ?  
  
I screamed again. "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllppppppppppppppppppppp!"  
  
I listened. Yes, there were definitely people near. My heart beat rapidly with hope. I screamed again.  
  
Suddenly I saw the silhouette of a group of people in the distance. It got bigger and bigger. I waved my arms frantically and yelled.  
  
Then I stopped dead. It was James Potter and his friends. I cringed. Why, of all people, did he have to be the one to find me? Why?!  
  
They came closer. "Lily!" James exclaimed and ran forward. His friends hung back, by his command I guessed.  
  
"Lily! What happened to you?"  
  
Why did he have to look so pleased? Couldn't he see I was pain?  
  
"My leg," I said stiffly, "is broken. If you wouldn't mind, I need to see Madam Pomfrey before I die of pain."  
  
"Oh, Lily!" he said. Was he trying to sound sympathetic? Must be hard, I thought, since he'd never been a kind person in his life.  
  
"James, stop exclaiming, help me!" I cried out in exasperation. "I've been lying on the ground for hours in pain. This leg needs to be fixed!"  
  
"I'll take you to the hospital wing," he said and kneeled down. "Look, I'm going to carry you, so be careful."  
  
He put one hand under my back and the other under my knees. "Ow," I winced as he lifted me up.  
  
"Sorry about that," he replied and adjusted me in his arms. "Is this ok?"  
  
I scowled at being so close to him - and knowing that he savored every second of carrying me in his arms - but replied, "I think I can stand it."  
  
"Good," he said. "Now we just have to get all the way up the castle." He began to take careful, slow steps, making sure I didn't move too much.  
  
"Wait!" I called out. "What about my things?" I motioned to my books and wand lying on the grass.  
  
"Oh, they'll get them," he replied nonchalantly and, indeed, his friends were picking them up.  
  
"Oh, is that yours?" he asked, motioning to something on the ground with his foot.  
  
It was Severus's letter. My voice caught in my throat. "I--" I began. "I - it's not mine," I said quickly. I didn't want James to read what Severus had written to me.  
  
James kicked the parchment and it became airborne, gliding on the breeze. I watched it drift towards the lake. A sudden draft pulled it above the waters, where it hung and then fell in.  
  
"Hey!" I exclaimed, realizing I hadn't even read it.  
  
James looked at me. "You said it wasn't yours."  
  
"But - but that's littering!" I lied hastily.  
  
"No, it isn't," he said with a smile. "The giant squid will have it for dessert."  
  
I sighed and resigned myself to being carried. Actually, now that I thought about it, it wasn't so bad lying in his arms. If I ignored the fact my leg hurt like crazy and it was James's arms I was lying in.  
  
His friends tagged along behind us, but I noticed they gave us a lot of distance.  
  
"Why don't you like me?" James asked softly.  
  
"What do you mean?" I replied, taken by surprised.  
  
"Don't pretend it's not true," he said in a low voice.  
  
Was James hurt? I wondered. I wanted to laugh, but of course I wouldn't. If he dropped me, I would be worse off than I was before.  
  
"You know very well why," I replied brusquely.  
  
"But Lily--" he protested.  
  
I remained silent.  
  
James carried me up to the castle. But instead of walking through the castle gate, he turned and stepped into the shadows under a tree.  
  
"James?" I asked. "This isn't the way--"  
  
"I know," he said. Suddenly he lifted me up and kissed me hard on the mouth.  
  
I felt frozen. Stunned, I stared at him. Then anger flooded through me.  
  
"How dare you do that to me?" I shouted.  
  
"Shh," he whispered. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you."  
  
He was threatening to drop me, I thought.  
  
I opened my mouth to protest, then closed it again. 


	6. Problems

The next morning I was let out of the hospital wing. My leg was in perfect condition, thank heavens.  
  
As soon as I walked into the common room, Severus stormed up to me.  
  
I didn't notice his dark expression immediately. "Severus!" I greeted him joyfully.  
  
He glared at me.  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked in a hurt voice.  
  
"'What's wrong?'! You should very well know what's wrong!"  
  
"No, I don't! I've been in the hospital wing since yesterday."  
  
"Oh, yes, but how did you get there?"  
  
"James Potter took me there."  
  
"Took you? You were clasped in his arms!"  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
"He's been telling it around the school, Lily!"  
  
"But if he hadn't found me..."  
  
"Lily! He could easily have conjured up a stretcher or something to carry you. But, no, you had to be lying in his arms helplessly."  
  
"I guess he didn't think of that-"  
  
"Then why didn't you remind him? Just say 'Oh, yeah, you're a wizard, aren't you? Can't you do some magic to help me?'"  
  
"I didn't think of that," I shouted back at him.  
  
"Well, why didn't you use your own wand?" he yelled. His face was a dark red. He looks like a tomato, I thought furiously.  
  
"My wand was lying ten feet away out of reach! Why does it matter to you? Don't you care that I'm back, safe and sound?"  
  
He glowered at me. "Don't you think it might bother me to know that James Potter not only carried you in his arms but took advantage of you?"  
  
"He didn't--" I stopped and gasped. "How do you know that he--"  
  
"He's been bragging around the school that he kissed you! Lily, how could you?!"  
  
"I didn't want him to!" I wailed miserably.  
  
"You should have slapped him for that."  
  
"I would have but if I did he would have dropped me."  
  
"You know better than that. He would never do that to you. He's seriously infatuated by you!"  
  
"How was I supposed to know he wouldn't drop me? It's my own life!"  
  
"I thought you would care more about my feelings than that!"  
  
"What do you mean?" I hissed. "You don't care about me at all!"  
  
He scowled at me. "Lily, you're sick of me. You want to get rid of me. That's why you've been off cavorting with James Potter! James Potter!" he spat. "You make me sick!" He turned on his heel, his robes swishing, and stomped up the stairs.  
  
"No!" I yelled. "No, Severus, no! I didn't! It wasn't my fault!"  
  
Slam. I heard the door of his dormitory shut.  
  
I collapsed onto the closest chair, sobbing. When I looked up, to find a handkerchief, I noticed about twenty people staring at me. No one spoke. They must have seen our fight, I realized.  
  
Dahlia stepped out of the crowd and ran up to me. "Oh, Lily," she cried, "I'm so sorry."  
  
She threw her arms around me and I wept harder.  
  
"I need a tissue," I whispered.  
  
She pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket and handed it to me.  
  
"Thank you," I sobbed.  
  
* * *  
  
An hour later, I had regained my composure. I hoped Severus had calmed down by then and started to think rationally.  
  
After washing my face in the dormitory and hoping my eyes were no longer red, I returned downstairs to the common room.  
  
Some boy to whom I had never spoken in my life walked up to me and said, "Your boyfriend's in his dormitory, sulking."  
  
"Which dormitory is it?" I asked.  
  
"The second from the stairs," he replied. Then his eyes widened. "You're not going to go up, are you?"  
  
"Yes, I am," I replied. "I'm going to talk some sense into him."  
  
Then I glared at the crowd gaping at me. "Don't you dare follow me just so you can listen!"  
  
I climbed the stairs. The second door from the stairs was shut. I turned the knob and stepped in.  
  
Severus sat on a bed, his face in his hands. "Severus?" I whispered.  
  
His head whipped up. "Lily! You can't come in here!"  
  
"I have to tell you something."  
  
"What?" His eyes narrowed.  
  
"I'm sorry," I murmured. "I'm sorry for the fight, I'm sorry for letting him kiss me, I'm sorry for everything."  
  
I looked at his face, hoping to see him smile and say he was sorry too.  
  
He glowered darkly at me. "That's not enough!" he bellowed. "You can't take back what you've already done!"  
  
Taken aback, my anger swelled up again. "I don't know what you want, Severus! How can you say that! I was sorry, but I'm not sorry any more! I don't want to speak to you ever again!"  
  
I ran out of the room before my tears could spill and slammed his door shut as hard as I possibly could.  
  
I ignored the staring faces and ran out of the common as tears streamed down my face.  
  
Once out of the common room, I had nowhere to go. I just ran through the halls, my vision blurred by tears.  
  
Slam. I had run straight into someone. I fell forward, but my hands broke my fall.  
  
"Are you all right, Lily?"  
  
I looked up, into the concerned face of James Potter. 


	7. James

"Lily!" James exclaimed. "Why, you're crying!"  
  
Suddenly taken over by a wild angry hysteria, I threw myself into James's arms.  
  
"Lily?" He sounded shocked, but pleased and he gingerly put his arms around me.  
  
"My answer is 'yes,'" I told him, "to what you asked me after I bumped into you in the hallway."  
  
"'Yes'?" he puzzled. Then a few second later -- "Oh! Lily, are you serious? Lily?"  
  
He stared into my eyes. I looked back into his dark brown ones and felt the surge of anger diminish, replaced by revenge that would hit hard.  
  
I wiped my tear-streaked face and smiled at James. "I'm serious," I said and slipped my hand into his.  
  
* * *  
  
Severus wasn't at breakfast the next day. Nor was he present at lunch or dinner. In fact, I didn't see him in any of my classes when classes started on Monday.  
  
My anger hadn't faded. Every time I thought of Severus, the rage boiled up inside of me. It left my stomach kind of sick. I kept remembering the tormented expression on his face.  
  
He didn't accept your apology, I told myself, trying to block out the image by replacing it with James's grinning face when I told him I would go out with him.  
  
* * *  
  
When I stepped into the common room, the same boy who had told me Severus was sulking walked up to me.  
  
"He wants to talk to you," he informed me.  
  
I knew immediately who "he" was.  
  
"Tell him I don't want to speak with him," I replied curtly and turned away. "If there's anything he needs to say he should have said it before."  
  
"But he--"  
  
I scoffed. "He supposedly wants to talk to me, but he can't even approach me by himself. He has to have his little messenger boy run up to me first."  
  
He glared and ran up the stairs.  
  
Good, he's gone, I thought to myself. I began to walk up to my own dormitory.  
  
Halfway up the stairs, a voice called to me.  
  
"Lily!"  
  
I stopped and turned around. It was Severus.  
  
My anger flooded back.  
  
"What do you want?" I hissed.  
  
"Lily, come back down. I can't talk to you if you are standing there."  
  
Reluctantly, I complied because I didn't want everyone in the common overhearing us shouting across the room.  
  
I walked over to him and with each my heels dug into the floor.  
  
"Lily, I know you're mad and you have a right to be. I was the one who was being irrational and stupid. I apologize."  
  
"Oh yeah?" I retorted. "That's a bit late."  
  
"Please, Lily," he begged, "I've spent the whole day thinking about what you said. I know I jumped to conclusions. There was nothing you did wrong, I'm so sorry."  
  
"When I apologized you screamed at me. And now you expect me to accept your apology?"  
  
"Lily, please, I'm hoping we're both thinking reasonably now."  
  
"Severus, I'm never going to forgive you," I snarled.  
  
"Please don't do that to me--"  
  
"And furthermore, I'm going out with James Potter!" I spat the last bit out with relish, enjoying the look on his face.  
  
"So I was right!" he yelled, his face like a storm cloud. "I was right all along and--"  
  
"No, Severus," I said softly. "You were wrong. I did love you then."  
  
I turned and walked away.  
  
* * *  
  
"James," I began.  
  
"What is it, my dear Lily?" he asked, reaching out to stroke my face. We were sitting outside, by the lake. In fact, it was quite near the spot I had broken my leg.  
  
"Stop touching me all the time," I muttered. "But, no - that's not what I was going to say."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"You'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?"  
  
"Yes, of course I would." He reached out to touch my face again. "I love you, Lily."  
  
I brushed his hand out of the way. "Stop bullying people," I said quietly.  
  
"Lily, but some people's existences just scream out for me to."  
  
"That's not funny," I admonished. "James, don't ever do it again."  
  
He began to protest, but I quickly cut him off.  
  
"If you ever do it again, I'll break up with you."  
  
"You mean we're dating? We haven't even gone out yet."  
  
I glared at him. "I mean it," I said seriously. "Don't do it again."  
  
"If my lady so insists," James sighed. "But why, Lily? Don't tell me you actually like that slimeball Snivellus."  
  
I froze. James would never find out about the relationship Severus and I had had. No, he couldn't! If he did, he would be smart enough to realize the real reason I had come running to him.  
  
"No!" I exclaimed, a little too loudly. "No, I don't at all. But I can't stand seeing people tormented..."  
  
A little voice in my head said, How hypocritical you are, Lily. I silenced it.  
  
"I don't care if they are my enemies or not," I said firmly, "I don't want to see you bullying anyone."  
  
Why then, did I relish the look on Severus's face every time he saw me holding hands with James?  
  
* * *  
  
I caught occasional glimpses of Severus. His hair had become oily again and his robes looked like they hadn't been washed in a while. How could I possibly have loved a person like that? I wondered.  
  
There never was just one voice in my head. There was always the opposition, my conscience.  
  
He wasn't always like that, it said. You made him become that.  
  
I quickly brushed away these thoughts and tried to bring back the anger that would swell up inside me and make me loathe Severus more than anything in the world. It was gone.  
  
What? How could it be? Did I not hate him any more?  
  
It doesn't matter, I said to myself. You're already with James.  
  
* * *  
  
It was now spring and James and I were going steady. Whenever I wondered why I was still with him, I remembered how terrible break-ups were.  
  
James showed me a secret way to the Shrieking Shack. We would go there for privacy. He even told me that his friend Remus Lupin was a werewolf. Remus overheard him telling me and was very annoyed.  
  
"You can't tell everyone, James," he muttered angrily.  
  
"It's not everyone, it's just my beloved Lily," he replied grinning. "You'll never leave me, will you, Lily? You'll never tell Moony's secret."  
  
I smiled and agreed, though my mind screamed "No, let me go."  
  
James started kissing me, but I pulled back. "James, you're not a gentleman," I said.  
  
"What do you mean? There's no one more gentlemanly than me, is there, Moony?"  
  
"Well, actually James, I'm afraid she has a point... It's not actually polite to be kissing like that in front of me."  
  
"That wasn't the worst part," I added. "You were kissing me before we're engaged? Why, how dare you do such a thing!"  
  
I laughed to show I wasn't serious, but both Remus and James stared at me strangely. Remus gave a little cough, nudged James, and then left.  
  
"I was kidding," I protested. "James?"  
  
He gulped loudly and began fishing in his pocket. "Close your eyes, Lily," he commanded. I did so.  
  
When I opened them, I saw him kneeling in front of me opening a small box. I should have gasped like the archetype of a fiancée-to-be, but I just stared.  
  
"Are you serious, James?" I whispered.  
  
"Lily," he began, looking up at me, "will you marry me?"  
  
"You can't be serious."  
  
"But I am..."  
  
"This is the least romantic place in the world to propose, James." We were in the Shrieking Shack.  
  
"I love you and want to be with you always. Marry me."  
  
"James we haven't even finished school."  
  
"You're telling me you don't want to show off this beautiful ring to all the other girls? We can get married after school ends." He gazed up at me. I sat on the dusty bed. This situation would have been ludicrous, I thought, if only he weren't serious.  
  
"I..." I began.  
  
"Lily, I am going to kill myself if you don't marry me." Frighteningly, he looked serious.  
  
I had broken enough hearts already, I decided. I wouldn't add James to the list. 


	8. Choices

"So, Lily, can you talk to him?" Dahlia asked me excitedly.  
  
"Oh, all right," I sighed. "I'll try to get you a date with Sirius."  
  
"Oh, thank you, Lily! You're such a good friend."  
  
I wondered what kind of a friend I would have been if I hadn't agreed. However, I already knew the answer.  
  
Dahlia began babbling on about how adorable he was and how she just loved his hair and his eyes and –  
  
I groaned.  
  
"You'll be Mrs. Black before we know it."  
  
* * *  
  
I was working late into the night on homework in the common room. Everyone else had gone to sleep hours ago and I wondered to myself why I had to take so many honors classes.  
  
I scribbled frantically, trying to finish up my essay so I could at least get four hours of sleep. Besides the scratching of my quill and the soft crackling of the fire, the room was silent.  
  
Soft footsteps fell on the stairs. I looked up, startled.  
  
A dark figure stood on the stairs. Though he stood in the shadows, I recognized him immediately. "Severus!" I whispered, surprised and struck by guilt to meet him again.  
  
He walked slowly down the stairs. I noticed how his robes hung loosely on his frame and his hair was a tangled mess above his shoulders.  
  
"Lily," he said hoarsely.  
  
"What are you doing?" I asked. "Are you experimenting with more potions?"  
  
"No," he said harshly. "I have finished with that nonsense."  
  
"Then why are you here?"  
  
"I must study." I suddenly noticed the big book he carried. I stared at its spine. Why did it look familiar? Then it hit me – it was from the Restricted Section. I remembered staring at its spine when I was in my first year, shivering but excited by what horrors it might contain.  
  
He sat down at another table and began to read, muttering under his breath. I tried to return to essay, but I couldn't focus.  
  
"Severus," I called softly.  
  
He did not look up. "Do not distract me from my studying."  
  
Silence. Then I blurted out, "I don't love James."  
  
He looked up now. His lips curled back from teeth and his eyes stabbed me with his glare. "Why do you do it, Lily? Why do you tell me this?" he demanded loudly. My eyes began to sting. The emptiness inside me was swallowing me up. Then Severus said quietly, "My heart is already broken."  
  
Suddenly I remembered the ring. I tried to move my hand to cover it, but the diamond caught in the light. I saw his face and my stomach felt like it were falling into a bottomless pit. I am a complete hypocrite.  
  
I whispered to cover the tears in my voice. "I'm sorry." I gathered my schoolwork in my arms and ran up the stairs before he could shoot another sarcastic cold comment at me.  
  
I crawled under the covers with warm tears rolling down my face. I hadn't even changed into my nightgown, but suddenly neither it nor the fact my essay was unfinished mattered at all. As I cried myself to sleep, nothing mattered anymore.  
  
* * *  
  
As I walked out of the door of my last class that day, James leapt out. "Boo!" he shouted. I jumped and then glared at him. "You scared me," I complained.  
  
"Then I achieved my purpose." He grinned childishly.  
  
I scowled. It hadn't been a good day. James wasn't making it any better.  
  
"Aw, Lily, cheer up," he sighed, throwing a careless arm around me. "Come, let's take a stroll outside."  
  
"Fine," I relented, walking with him down the hallway.  
  
"That's my Lily," he said, smiling. He leaned over and kissed my cheek.  
  
Anger flooded over me, like hot lava. I shoved him away and stopped walking. He stared me, hurt filling up his brown eyes.  
  
I gave him a smart slap across the cheek. "Stop it!" I exclaimed shrilly.  
  
"Whoa, what happened to you?" he asked. He was trying to joke and keep the anger and hurt out of his voice, but I could see it in his eyes.  
  
You deserve it. I glared harshly. People were stopping to stare.  
  
"Sure, flock here to look!" I screamed at them. "Why don't you make a tabloid about it? 'Lily's Love Life' – everyone would buy it!" The crowd scattered.  
  
James grabbed my hand and pulled me outside. I resisted, but he was stronger. He dragged me to a bench. "Sit," he commanded. I followed.  
  
Sitting down next to me, he stared into my eyes. I turned away, my anger fading to humiliation.  
  
"Stop treating me like that," I said under my breath.  
  
"Like what, Lily?" he asked seriously. "Every time I show affection for you, you pull back."  
  
I cringed. "Today was a bad day--" I began.  
  
"No, Lily, it's always been like this. You've never given me any affection back. I just haven't even mentioned it before. I thought I'd just deal with it. But after that, that slap" – his voice shook – "I knew I had to sort the matter out. What is it?"  
  
I couldn't look him in the eye. "I'm sorry, James. Please forgive me."  
  
"Lily, you're going to be my wife. Are you going to start loving me then?"  
  
"What?" I exclaimed. "I do love you."  
  
"Perhaps you keep it inside, because I've never seen you act like you do. I always have to find you – you never come looking for me, you never say anything sweet, you--"  
  
I blushed. "James, I love you!" I burst out.  
  
He stared at me. "I love you with all my heart, but I'm not sure you return any of it."  
  
"I do, I do," I argued. I pulled his face close to mine and brushed his cheek with my lips. "I love you," I whispered in his ear.  
  
He smiled gently. "I hope you're telling the truth, my darling Lily, because that's all I want in life."  
  
* * *  
  
Every day after classes, James and I would walk outside to sit and work on homework. We didn't share a common room and the librarian had snapped at us to leave when we had begun kissing. Actually, I had begun that one, to show James that I could show affection for him. He had needed no encouragement responding to it, but then the librarian had walked up.  
  
Now I sat on the grass, leaning my head on James's shoulder as I read about the creation of the first wands in my history book. Surprising myself, I now liked him more than ever. Perhaps it was being in his company so often, but being with him gave me a warm secure feeling inside. Not all of the kisses I started were just to assure him I loved him; at certain moments, I even convinced myself of it.  
  
James's quill stopped scribbling and he put his piece of parchment down. "I'm done," he said and leaned back into the grass.  
  
I sighed. "Care to proofread my essay for Charms?" I asked hopefully, still not finished with my own homework, even though James took as many classes as I did.  
  
He grinned devilishly. "That's not my idea of fun," he said and leaned towards me. As our lips meet, I was happy for a distraction from memorizing years for History of Magic. James was a much better kisser than Severus, but he had had a lot of practice, I suspected.  
  
Sirius, who was sitting with us today, let out a loud cough. We ignored him, but he coughed again. I pulled back and stared at him.  
  
"What is it, Padfoot," James teased, "are you jealous of us because things aren't going so well with Dahlia?"  
  
Sirius brushed a strand of black hair out of his eyes carelessly. "No, things are fine. It's just fun to make you two uncomfortable." He grinned and James lifted an eyebrow.  
  
"I think it's making him uncomfortable," he said in a loud whisper. "He's not used to seeing people so in love as we are, darling." He winked. "Let's make him uncomfortable."  
  
I laughed and wrapped my arms around James again.  
  
* * *  
  
"Lily Evans, do you take James Potter to be your wedded husband?"  
  
My heart beat rapidly. As I looked into James's brown eyes, which almost glowed with happiness, I realized the truth.  
  
"I do," I said aloud. I had to say it or I would explode inside. "I love you!" I whispered quietly so the whole church wouldn't hear.  
  
James gazed back at me and the smile that filled his face had no trace of suspicion. Surprised, I felt no different. It must have been there all along, I realized, I just never let myself believe it.  
  
I smiled back at James, unable to contain the complete joy and freedom I now felt. 


	9. Le épilogue

Hey, Evans! Go out with me?  
  
You look beautiful.  
  
Not everyone you bump into is as nice as me.  
  
I can't tell you how much I enjoyed being with you.  
  
Need a hand?  
  
I love you as much as ever.  
  
Are you serious?  
  
Do you know how happy you've made me?  
  
Aw, Lily, cheer up.  
  
My heart is already broken.  
  
That's my Lily.  
  
You're embarrassing me.  
  
I love you with all my heart.  
  
You can't take back what you've already done!  
  
That's all I want in life.  
  
I'm your friend.  
  
You'll never leave me, will you, Lily?  
  
Lily, take Harry and go! Go! Run! I'll hold him off—  
  
I do. 


End file.
